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After checking out your extensive biscuit reviews I was left with the feeling that you have only been trying the better quality biscuits that are available on the market and ignoring the whole range of biscuits. In addition all of your reveiws seemed to be positive (apart from the 'nice' biscuits, which was the basis for a game me and my mates used to play, of
which more later). I strongly recommend you start reviewing some of the less aparently palatable biscuits such as;
Crawfords Thin Arrowroot biscuits (These are the worst fucking biscuits in
the world, pardon my french. The world needs to know!)
McVities Rich Tea (What an ommission from your review!) (ok these are quite
Iced Shorties (no doubt full of chemicals)
Blue Riband Wafers (stick these on a plate next to some club biscuits and
see which ones are left at the end!)
Carrs Table Water biscuits
Penguins (Although basically a chocolate covered bourbon, this is a massive
You also seem to focus on sweet biscuits and not on savoury ones such as 'Cheddars'.
Some sort of rating out of 10 may be an option as well, to those of us looking to expand our biscuit horizons. Otherwise a truly tremendous website, keep up the good work!
Now for the game I mentioned earlier.
THE NICE CHALLANGE
For responsible people only!
This is basically a version of the how many crackers can you fit in your mouth without swallowing. However the gammy consistency and relatively small size of biscuit makes for some high scores. The fact that they are covered in razor sharp fragments of sugar which really cut your mouth and tongue up makes for an element of danger. After some extensive research, we decided that the nice biscuit if perfect for this game because it is not too dry (rich tea, morning coffee), not too big (digestive), cheap (generic versions are available, I find the co-op or kwik save do the cheapest and nastiest ones) and most improtantly not very tasty (so that they don't get eaten by eleminated players, any chocy biscuits are bad for this game as they are too nice and the melting chocholate lubricates the mouth).
Remember all biscuits must go in whole and one at a time.
Any score over 5 is doing well, it is harder than you think!
Good luck and don't choke please (anyone who chokes doing this is on their
|Nicey replies: Thank you for that mammoth email, I assume you must be engaged in some form of higher education to be able to bring so much time and thought to a particular subject.
I like your idea for nasty biscuit reviews, I think they can be very amusing. I was sent a terrific one not so long ago but the author could bring himself to go back and get some more for a photo. If people would like to send them in thats fine. Personally I have lots of lovely biscuits to work my way through before I get to the nasty ones, or the fringe players such as Cheddars.
Your Nice biscuit game sounds dangerous and foolhardy, someone could easily be hurt or mentally damaged from such massive exposure to such tatty biscuits.
Having established yourself as an oracle of biscuit-related information, I would love to hear your opinion on this matter of vital importance: when faced with a box of selected "biscuits for cheese", how does one differentiate between the biscuits and the crackers? Is there some officially designated definition? Certainly in my experience, crackers seem to be hard, brittle and full of large air pockets, while biscuits are crumblier, slightly more moist and denser. But where does this leave the enigmatically named "water biscuits"?
|Nicey replies: There is are two simple tests for crackers VS biscuits.
1) Would you dunk a load of them in your tea?
2) Would you eat them with cheese?
If the answer is NO to the first and YES to the second then they should be crackers.
If you want to think of Rich Tea biscuits as a dazzling spectrum of sumptuous flavours then simply eat a Water Biscuit before hand.
||From Brian Barratt, English Gentleman In Exile For 50 Years, Now Resident In Melbourne, Australia. No flowers, please.|
What a lovely site.
I've been waiting for you to tell the world about Arnotts Tim-Tam biscuits. One of my neighbours (we're awfully neighbourly down here, you knw) was once Chairman of Nabisco, which used to be a Very Big Biscuit Company. In his world travels, he tasted many biscuits (what a lovely time he had). He declared that the FINEST chocolate biscuit IN THE WORLD was one made the rival firm, Arnott.
Nabisco have gone. Arnott are part of some *m*r*c*n conglomerate (as far as I know), but TIM-TAM biscuits have not become cookies and they are still on sale. If I could afford to (I'm a poor old pensioner, you see, subsisting on cups of tea) I would post some samples to you.
(I can't eat them myself, you understand, because I must not eat fatty things now I'm an elderly gentleman. Not even STILTON CHEESE, dammit.)
What a lovely site. And I'm sure TheWife is such a lovely lady.
Greety things be unto thee
|Nicey replies: Brian,
Thank you for that charming email. We are always on the look out for the flagship biscuits of other nations, maybe one day we'll get to try the notorious Tim-Tam.
Sorry to hear about your chocolate biscuit and cheese regime.
Tunnocks Tea Cake Review
For your information, Tunnocks Tea Cakes of bathroom sealant fame are known as Mallow Puffs in New Zealand. Many thanks for informing me of their presence in the British Isles under a Scottish pseudonym. I shall now head to the supermarket without delay to consume a whole packet in the interests of comparative biscuit science. As to the merits or otherwise of these biscuits, I feel a key detraction is the thinness of the chocolate covering rendering the fingers like a typical two-year olds in under 3 seconds. If no-one is watching, this can be avoided by juggling the biscuit like a hot potato.
||HobNob biscuits are greatly enjoyed by young squirrels (no, really, this is|
true). We had a baby squirrel (his name was Vermin) a few years ago who
was found in the Meadows in Edinburgh as a cute infant who had fallen out of
his tree (I think his mother pushed him), brought home and largely reared on
HobNobs. Don't be fooled by squirrel propaganda about nuts - eating nuts
just makes them even more aggressive than they are normally. No, the bog
standard HobNob is the very man for squirrel rearing and produces a squirrel
who can handle himself in the wide world with all the grace and daring of a
complete psychopath. When he had left us to go about his lawful squirrel
occasions, he came back into the house on a regular basis to demand a
HobNob, which he would grab and run away with, kicking cats and Deerhounds
out of his way as he went.
|Nicey replies: What a fantastic tale of biscuits and animal rescue. Perhaps the Deerhounds should be fed on them as well, as they seem a bit placid compared to your extra hard squirrel. The younger members of NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown's staff are eating a lot of HobNobs this week, I better keep a close eye on them for any psychotic tendencies.|