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Your e-Mails

Tim Roser	Hi Nicey & Wifey It's fantastic to at last see a focus on one of the roots of our great culture, custard. I for one suffer at the hands of a wife who is neither interested in: 1) Biscuits 2) Custard 3) Cake 4) Chocolate and who has sought to indoctrinate the children in the ways of 'salad' and 'organic vegetables' and eschews the cornerstones of what I consider to be the point of eating, biscuits and custard. I have however been stealthily making proper powder custard when the wife is away and feeding it to the children. With cake, and biscuits, and pie. Personally I am currently veering heavily into chocolate cake made with Green & Blacks, liberally covered in warm custard, and mixed up a bit so it goes super gooey. This is a triumph, as I personally have to make the cake myself and the children help me by licking the bowl, spoons etc and then stuffing as much down their faces as possible. Any 'slops' that fall on the floor are immediately handled by our Border Collie, who becomes stealthy and ninja-like when the cake process is underway, darting from under the table as soon as a 'splat' is heard. My wife has many other fantastic qualities, and one should not condemn for a lack of interest in tea, biscuits, custard and chocolate and cake. However, as she has a degree in Philosophy, I am attempting to convince her that her position is Absurdist, but she simply implies that she doesn't like it and that fact leads to Existentialist Tension running through the household, which is to be welcomed. Personally, I am not convinced. I just want biscuits, cake and custard. Thanks Tim Roser
	Nicey replies: Hoorah for you, the kids and the dog! We also eat lots of salad and organic vegetables (we get a big box delivered every Thursday morning). Wifey too is not fussed on custard which we see as a positive advantage as it means more for the younger members of staff and me. She very sensibly slopes off at pudding time leaving us to it, whilst she marauds around the internet sorting it out. Mind you Wifey has taught herself how to make cakes now which she is extremely proud of. Cooking proper puddings with your kids is something you should be proud of too, and your too Wife even if she's not keen on them.
Mark Dunlop Breakaway Review	Dear Nicey, exemplary review of the once-great Breakaway. However, I'm somewhat surprised that you neglected the red-jacketed plain chocolate breakaway. Same look, but a red wrapper and plain chocolate, which meant they were only eaten when the milk chocolate ones ran out. These hardy specimens could congregate quite happily in the arse of a schoolbag for months. I don't know if Caramac breakaways only existed in Ireland (clearly the biscuit Shangri-La), but they were revolting. replace the choc with a layer of Caramac and you get the picture. Dis-gus-ting, and the wrappers were the colour of vomit as well. Amazing how the mention of Uniteds spurred hitherto forgotten memories. They were fab. The biscuit bit was really crap, bland and crumbly and dry as hell, but the honeycomb bits made it all worthwhile. And the chocolate was admirably thick. As a bloke who clearly appreciates the merits of oranges, you'll be delighted to know that they also came in orange flavour, which basically substituted the honeycomb bits for orange flavoured honeycomb bits. They were a bit spesh by any standards; I must have eaten hundreds of them when I were a nipper. m.d.
Jonathan Wing South East Asian Multireview Review	Dear Nicey Your mention of biscuits for thrill seekers reminds me of the time several years ago when I bought a packet of durian wafers from an oriental store in Amsterdam. The durian, highly popular in South-East Asia where it is known as the King of Fruits, has an odour variously described by Westerners as fermenting onions, unwashed socks or over-ripe sewage and is allegedly banned by many hotels and airlines in the area. The fruit is supposed to be an acquired taste. I can't imagine anyone acquiring a taste for the biscuits as one bite was enough. I can't describe it exactly, but I seem to remember strong overtones of garlic. The fact that this was probably an artificial durian flavouring didn't help. It was back to the syrup waffles again after that. Best Wishes Jon
	Nicey replies: Good grief, the South East Asian biscuits we endured that tasted of Tomato, Melon and Yam were bad enough.
Pinklefish Bourbon Review	I was trying to make a bourbon cream person, but it turned into bourbon cream jenga instead. You are the only person I can think of who might appreciate it's beauty. Best wishes, pinkle
	Nicey replies: Lovely work Ms Fish. Actually if you've ever wondered how the bourbon pictured on our site met its end I fed it to one the younger members of staff.
Richard Soos Tim Tam vs Penguin Review	Dear Nicey and Wifey, On the subject of Tim Tams, I also happened to catch one of Arnott’s pimped-up ‘Dangerous Liaisons’ range of Tim Tams, the Chilli Choc Fling, when travelling last year. Now I’m all for a bit of glamour in my snack treats, but I don’t like my biscuits being violated by marketing teams and image consultants. I say let the baker’s art shine through and leave the sweet talking to cream centres and chocolate coatings thank you very much. I have to say in this case, they did. I could tell a tale of sophisticated tastings or I could just say that these bad boys didn’t see much sunlight once the first one was tested. Dark chocolate inside and out with a nice little bite to the filling, oh yes. I have to admit, it’s been nearly a year since I tried em and I can’t recall whether they were partnered with tea, it was all over too quickly. Something tells me they’d make more of a ‘platter treat’ than a dunker, but there’s those who’ll dunk anything, so perhaps it’s a case of “each to their own”. I had the presence of mind to take a photo with my phone should I meet someone who needed this valuable info, I dug it out of my reference archives for you. If they or other chilli choc hybrids are in the UK let us know. High tech hybrids seem to be the path our biscuits are taking. Tasty though they are, are you worried we may lose the simple foundation biscuits like the Digestive and the Rich Tea? All the best Rich ps Bahlsen rock but they’re Zoo biscuits now have posidrive impressions from the screws that hold the shapes in place. What’s all that about? German engineering where you need it most on a biscuit? I don’t think so. pps Does the jam in wagon wheels react with the chemicals in the marshmallow to give that “I think I’ve got a wrong un” taste in the roof of your mouth or is it part of the grand design?
	Nicey replies: Good thinking on the photo, if only more people would take snaps of strange foreign biscuits. I'm not worried about sensible biscuits being under threat from exotics, I am however slightly concerned about biscuits with chilli in them. I think that could lead to all sorts of strange biscuits for thrill seekers such as something with Fishermans Friend flavour filling or maybe Victory Vs. For a real tour de force of Burton's Jam and Mallow technology get some of their teacakes the combination can almost be eye watering at times.
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