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Your e-Mails

Matthew Lee Bourbon Review	Dear Mr Nicey, I have long intended to visit, in order to register my concern.  I hope this is an area of anxiety that you share.  I am convinced that in my youth the covering of the noble bourbon was whiter and crunchier, as it was replete with many granules of sugar.  Today as your own web image shows one is lucky to find a half dozen grains per side.  How is the mighty bourbon fallen? Denuded of sugar it rests neglected in the variety box. The time is ripe for those of good heart and long memory to spurn self-defeating cost cutting measures and launch the deluxe bourbon - thick in filling and encrusted with a bejewelled surface of refined sugar.  Yum yum.  Meanwhile the budget bourbon - more properly these days a bourmauvais - is ready to emerge sugar-less and bald to feed the profits of fat cat biscuit moguls and their heartless denizens of impropriety. I would be grateful for a reply by return. Hugs Matthew Lee (borrowing my friend Richard's email while he is out, so he knows nothing of this and would be very worried if he ever found out what I have been up to with his nice pinny while he was out de-worming the geese.)
	Nicey replies: Oh yes get the sugar back on there, then you can use them as little sanding blocks maybe to take the ragged edges of your Garibaldis. Hoorah! for the removal of goose worms.
Andrew Forbes	Our vending machine obviously thinks it's a cut above your average refreshment discharger as it refuses to accept any coinage worth less than 5p. We only use the blessed things to rid ourselves of such unwanted small change. It's not as if anyone wants to actually drink the stuff stored within. It's not all bad though. If you want sugar you must move your cup from the point where water is dispensed to a second point under a large red button marked "SUGAR"  where the sugar is released. Any virgin to this machine will fail to move his or her cup to the point under this rather prominent button and simply push it and watch as the sugar is spat into the drip tray to add a fresh white peak to the growing  tea coloured soggy mound. This brightens my day
Hester Tegetmeier	In our house, those little stalks that float in the top of a cup of tea made from loose leaves, are known as 'strangers'. Pick it out and put it on the back of one hand whilst covering it with the palm of the other hand. Lift up the top hand and say a day of the week. Repeat (Mon-Sun format) until the stalk sticks to the palm and indicates the day on which you'll meet a mysterious character, smelling of Bergamot.
Stuart Morrison KitKat Review	Dear Nicey, finally the Kit Kat gets its true place as a biscuit! It comes in long packets of many biscuits, like Penguins do, which qualifies them as a biscuit. They taste better with a cup of tea, chocolate bars don't. Anyhow, thought you'd like to know the Kit Kat still enjoys all its foil covered glory in Canada, although its that naff paper backed stuff like Jacobs Club. Nevertheless, you can still rub the logo through into it and then run your nail up the split, not quite as satisfying as proper foil but you can't have everything. It helped me survive all of last winter in British Cloumbia, shame they can't do proper tea as well (good beer in proper pint glasses makes up for it). How can you possibly eat a modern Brit Kit Kat when you can't split each finger with that little strip of wrapper still attached so that it floats in your tea and then electrocutes your fillings. Heaven. Tunnock's Tea Cakes is the last great biscuit tradition we have left unsullied. Regards Stuart Morrison
	Nicey replies: I was only thinking about British Cloumbia before lunch, and all those mad fossilised things in the Burgess shales from half a billion years ago.
Mark Holroyd McVities Digestive Cream Review	McVities Digestive Cream I would like to add my two penneth to the comments regarding the Digestive Cream. My first memory of any biscuit/beverage combination dates back to my first years at nursery school, wayyyyyy back in the last century, well 1969/70. My time spent at nursery was made all the better for the break-time when free, small bottles of milk (plus straw) were dispensed by the ruddy-cheeked, thick-forearmed dinner ladies (part-time angels) who inhabited my nursery school in Manchester. We were allowed to partake of a Digestive Cream (I can only presume it was a McVities) to accompany our cold milk. The unaccompanied milk was unpalatable to my junior taste-buds, however when it was combined with the creamy, sugar-sweet filling and savoury package that is the mighty Digestive the whole concoction exploded into my developing senses of both smell and taste and left a cast-iron imprint that shall stay with me forever (and left any future milk experience an unremitting disappointment). I have to state the obvious here, that this whole story is based on the experience of a 4-5 year old, whose appreciation of the finer elements of the biscuit/beverage experience was very undeveloped, and at that age I would seek out the sweetest tastes with all of the tenacity of the fattest of honey-bees. Unlike your guest reviewer I had no issues regarding the size of the biscuit - in the hands of this 5 year old the biscuit was more than ample, nor was the size of the packet of any concern (I was unaware that they came in packets - they appeared on the plate with no evidence of a packet …… to have discovered a whole packet at that age would surely have caused me to overdose, pack the whole nursery-thing in and devote my life to the consumption of greater and greater quantities of Digestive Creams. I also understand (now) that there is a big difference between the DG/milk combination and the DG/tea combination but I have to admit to enjoying both. After 2 years at nursery my family moved and the DC was physically lost but the memories of it were burned into my very soul. In fact it wasn’t until 4 years ago whilst at work that someone opened a biscuit assortment (Burtons?) and I spied something resembling the DC. I selected the biscuit and with trembling hands raised it to my nose because I knew that my nose would immediately tell me if my suspicions were true. I was immediately transported back to the heady days of 1969/70 when I last indulged in the DC. Shortly afterwards I was able to get hold of them by the packet as ASDA had some of their own-brand DC’s on the shelves but this only lasted for 7 months after which they were no longer to be found. I have been without the DC experience for 3 years and can definitely say that I am not a better person for it, but I live in hope and know that one-day they will reappear in my life and all will be good once again.
	Nicey replies: Who needs regression hypnotherapy when there are ASDA own label biscuits to be had.
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