Your Views

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Your e-Mails

Hannah Brooks	Hi (again) Further to the discovery of a giant bourbon the other week, my friend Ben unearthed this slightly less successful attempt at a giant jaffa cake. The ideas are sound, but then she goes and ruins it all with needless vegetarianism... cheers Hannah
	Nicey replies: Actually the whole thing looks like a disaster despite its vegan credentials, but top marks to her for even bothering and taking photos of it and making a web page and so on.
Dr Greg James Bourbon Review	Dear Nicey, I note that you have included an interesting diagram on your website which shows a simplistic taxonomy of biscuits. I have been interested in the classification of biscuits ever since a throwaway (in her eyes) comment by the wife that a bourbon "is basically just a chocolate custard cream". Obviously this madness made me splutter out my tea. However I had no scientific proof to argue my case. My wife had clearly thought "same sandwich morphology ergo same essential biscuit". Since this horrendous episode I have been labouring to produce a rigorous and logical biscuit taxonomy. I have based my classification on three variables (or dimensions): 1. substance, including flavour if it is an essential component of the substance (i.e. a bourbon is made of "chocolate biscuit", whereas a chocolate digestive is "plain digestive" with the chocolate coating classified as an extra [see 3]); 2. morphology (e.g. disc, rectangular, sandwich); 3. extras (e.g. raisins, chocolate coating, jam filling). However this "3-dimension" approach, whilst giving a framework for the accurate description of most biscuits, is slightly long winded and lacks a natural "feel" for the inherent differences between, say, the aforementioned bourbon and custard cream. Does anyone else have a decent and reliable classification for biscuits? How does this fare when differentiating biscuits from cakes and chocolate bars? I tend to use the simple "if packed and/or purchasable as individual items it is unlikely to be a true biscuit" rule of thumb. Any comments? Dr Greg James
	Nicey replies: Dr Greg, There is of course a much bigger Venn diagram in our book. However, the custard cream and bourbon both find themselves in the sandwich biscuit section. The answer to your particular issue is that of course a bourbon isn't a chocolate custard cream or else it would look like one which it doesn't (your second morphology point), also Bourbons should have some little sugar crystals in the upper surface which counts as extras. A much more compelling argument can be made for the Penguin being a chocolate covered bourbon, although it isn't. The fact that recently in the last two weeks we've seen biscuit classification taught as an exercise to undergraduates at Bristol University shows that this isn't a trivial matter. As a Dr you should also know that this is the kind of comment made by wives to husbands designed to elicit a response. Wifey will frequently taunt me with her views on Jaffa Cakes, such as the time we were This Morning with Fern and Philip.
Tim Walters	Hello Nicey I much enjoy your website, devoted as it is to... well the best things in life. I've just voted in your current biscuit poll (but not currant biscuit poll obviously). I think it's a grand idea to show pictures of what you've just voted for, and the poll leaders. This, however, leads on to my problem. My favourite biscuits are from the hobnob family. I find that local supermarkets tend not to stock the dark chocolate hobnobs, so for reasons of (local) exclusivity they are the worthy recipient of my "best" vote. (Honourable mention must go to the figrolls that some misguided fools have shown as "yuckiest"). I notice that the pictures used for dark chocolate hobnob and dark chocolate digestive appear to be ONE AND THE SAME. Obviously I realise that biscuit production methods might mean the topping is applied in identical faashion to both biscuits. In which case I will accept your categoric assurance that the pictures are genuine. Might I be so bold as to suggest that side views could be shown in addition, so that no such confusion ensues. I am pleased to see pink wafers getting the scorn they deserve. Quite how coloured cardboard comes to be sold as a comestible is beyond me. A dishonourable mention to Kimberleys. Not sure why they aren't a clear second place. Keep up the good work Tim Walters
	Nicey replies: Tim, You have of course spotted my guilty secret, namely that I didn't have a dark chocolate Hobnob picture so switched in a Dark Digestive. It's also plainly time that I sorted out the votes and told everybody what has been happening. I shall get to it right away. I can say however in advance that the Top 10s are as follows: Favourite Dark Chocolate Digestive Milk Chocolate Digestive Milk Chocolate Hobnob Jaffa Cake Gingernut Dark Chocolate Hobnob Chocolate Caramel Digestive Hobnob Custard cream Regular Digestive Milk Chocolate Digestive Dark Chocolate Digestive Gingernut Rich Tea Jaffa Cake Hobnob Custard cream Choc chip cookie Bourbon Yucky Pink Wafers Fig Roll Wagonwheel Rich Tea Lemon Puff Iced Gems Gingernut Jaffa cake Garibaldi Nice Well done to the Gingernut and Jaffa cake for appearing in all three top 10s. Also we would like to add that the Jaffa cake is of course still a small cake despite its inclusion in the poll. Mind you maybe the VAT man will use this very poll as evidence next time they thrash out the eternal debate.
Mr J.D.Sparks	Sorry to contradict your obviously vast knowledge of tea/biscuit affairs but their is a slight error about one foodstuff's categorization. Recently there was a legal disbute about whether a jaffa cake was a biscuit or a cake. The 'tax man' told the good people of mcvitees that as the jaffa was clearly a cake they would need to pay more V.A.T. For the sake of not having to pay extra the case was brought to court by Mcvitees to permentaly brand the jaffa as a lower V.A.T foodstuff (a biscuit). The case was eventually settled classifying jaffa cakes as a biscuit and therefore mcvitees had to pay less. Im sorry i dont know how they achieved this in court but i got the jist of the case from a freind who is currently studying law. yours sincerly Mr J.D.Sparks
	Nicey replies: Sorry but you or your friend have that almost completely backwards. Perhaps you might want to refer to either our book or the proceedings of the 1991 VAT tribunal case 6344, as we did. Yours even more Sincerely Nicey
Ian Walker	Oh my god! how could you miss the ONLY way to eat Jaffa's, you of course have to eat the orangey middle bit first, then devour the rest whole.....what are you people thinking of.... Ian
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