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||I am back in Argentina from Antarctica. We were not allowed to take food ashore to protect the environment but there were plenty of penguins there anyhow. I was pleased to see that the ship stocked a full range of UK biscuits as I gambled in not taking any biscuits as I was struggling with my baggage allowance - 20kg of biscuits goes not go that far. What was noticeable was that there were 2 different tins depending of the sea conditions. A square red tin would be used to house the classic selection of custard creams, bourbons, chocolate digestives etc. This appeared in rough seas only and was complimented by an ample supply of tea. In contrast there was a circular Wallace and Gromit biscuit tin with a plainer selection for the calmer seas. This was in complete contrast to what I had anticipated as I thought that the plainer biscuits would be used in rough seas and the more lavish selection in the calmer conditions. You don´t want to throw up your best biscuits do you? The Russians manning the ship appeared to be using something that resembled ginger biscuits but with a slightly rougher texture when they were on the bridge. These may be they key to navigating between icebergs and may be the fabled ship´s biscuit I was searching for. I did not sample them as they could have thrown me overboard for touching them - I guess the effect would be the same as killing an albatross and could bring bad luck upon the ship. They also had their own chef so I would guess they did not like the UK selection. Will continue the research in Argentina.|
I have a chum by the name of Neville who invented an ideal accompaniment for a nice cup of tea or when you've had a skinfull down the pub - either is fine (actually I find a nice cup of tea does the job if you've over done it on the beer). It consists of a packet of Revels - you know the little multiflavoured chocolate covered sweets? These are placed in a toasted sandwich or Breville maker once the peanut ones have been removed (you can tell these as they are a bit nobbly and don't toast well). Do not butter the outside as some people do as this renders the sandwich too sickly. Hey Presto - Neville's Revel Breville.
This does not taste nice with Mars Bars and of course would not rhyme.
|Nicey replies: Outstanding|
Tricky office problem for which we need your sage advice. One of the major pre-occupations at work is of course buscuits, as we work in a small village with no canteen or shop, buscuits have become a very major source of calories for many of us as we can't be arsed to make sandwiches in the morning of bring a nice healthy bit of fruit with us to the office. Attendance at internal meetings is excellent not because of the meetings but due to the availability of buscuits and we are forever inviting customers over for a chat at all hours of the day and night just to give us an excuse for "official biscuits". But enough background, now to the nub (or should that be nob of the problem).........
Outside of meetings there is, of course, a biscuit rota to which we all contribute and take it in turns to actually go out and buy a selection of goodies for the hordes......ahh I can see you are already ahead of me here, yes we are into the dangerous world of what your purchase of biscuits says about you in a public context.
We have no problem with those of us who buy the "value" packs as we are all pigs and are just looking for cheap sugar rushes, however one of our ilk insists on inflicting his poor taste in buscuits whenever it is his turn by always buying the wretched bourbon, a biscuit I have never seen the point of, which nobody else likes with the result that said person gets an unfair amount of buscuits 'cos they're the only one that likes them.
Despite public outcry he still insists on bying them so how do we stop him buying these frankly overated items whilst still getting him to buy his share?
|Nicey replies: Yes Richard I see your problem. This is a much more common problem than you may think.
You are however in a good position at least this particular individual buy's his share rather than nothing at all, choosing to ponce all his biscuits from you. There are really only two ways out of this, persuade them to buy something different or grow to like Bourbons.
Lets take the first. A program of biscuit therapy and analysis. Expose them to other sorts of reasonably priced chocolate based biscuits and suggest they could buy them next time round. The Maryland Double Choc shouldn't be too much of a leap for them. This might break their buying cycle. Also try and find out what it is that is so compelling to them about the Bourbon, you may have to go back to early childhood memories here. Perhaps, they will recall another biscuit with similar emotional resonance, and they could get those next time.
Finally as you know I am fairly ambivalent towards the Bourbon myself, however, if you do have to eat them aim for a quality brand like Crawfords. We had some Elkes Bourbans last week and they were very poor. Maybe if you insisted on nice Bourbons you may grow to like them or they may find it too much hassle tracking them down, and choose something else.
Hope this helps.
I have recently re-aquainted myself with the Jammie Dodger, which is now inexplicably shipped in violent orange plastic cannisters yielding a paultry two dodgers a piece. Not only are they thus rather overpackaged but also not very special really. It's also raised the question as to why the hell they're called "dodgers" - I get the "jammie" bit, but from whom are they dodging?
|Nicey replies: Yes its the Saatchi and Saatchi influence on Jammie Dodgers at work here I fear. I have made my views plain on this before.
As for who they are dodging there is a very tall tale by 'Phil Tougher' in our readers feedback section, use the Jammie Dodger icon in the search area to find it.
I think the actual explanation is to be found in:
The Queen Of Hearts,
She baked some tarts,
All on a summer's day.
The Knave of Hearts,
He stole the tarts,
And took them clean away.
The King of Hearts,
Called for the tarts,
And called the Knave back home.
The Knave of Hearts,
Brought back the tarts,
And vowed he'd steal no more.
I assume the Knave had to do some dodging in order to carry out the theft.
|| Dear Nicey,|
I am hoping you can help me and a colleague with some tea break issues we have.
Every week we are in charge of the budget for biscuits and we have been informed that jaffa cakes are not classed as biscuits so we have to buy them out of own pockets.
I am aware that they are called jaffa CAKES but as they are actually cheaper than boasters for instance, I think this is petty.
Plus, you wouldnt class shortbread as bread for instance so why class jaffas as cakes?
Do you think they are cakes or biscuits?? If they are cakes we can only buy them on birthdays so as you can appreciate I am anxious to resolve the matter as soon as possible.
|Nicey replies: I appreciate your dilemma but Jaffa Cakes are indeed small cakes. The problem does not lay with their classification, rather it lies with your own draconian rules. Simply extend them to include the very reasonably priced Jaffa Cakes, and possibly Pimms Biscuits which are like Cherry Jaffa cakes with white chocolate.
As you have expounded upon biscuit classification is a far from simple or trivial exercise, and so your own rules will need to reflect this diversity, if you are to fully embrace the world of tea time treats.