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|John E Noir
Malted Milk Review
I have to disagree with Mr Paul Daly. Malted Milk were never my favourite biscuit but have always done me well in a crisis. And this weekend they provided me with much amusement.
Some Friends and I were staying in Sedbergh in the Yorkshire Dales and were enjoying the excellent Howgill Fells, well maybe enjoying is too strong a word as it was mainly misty most of the time.
I have found that biscuits do not provide adequate sustenance on the hills and as Carl and Sue had provided a cake for their younger staff members, Adam and Julia. Me and 6 others managed to get a slice and as you can see I was lucky enough to get ¾’s of a cherry.
When we got back to the Hotel a nicecupofteaandasitdown was called for and I was elected to put the kettle on. The Hotel had thoughtfully provided some of those packets of three bickies. Mark elected to have coffee (the heathen) and chose to have the packet of bourbons. (he was welcome to them as they were the equally heathen 4:3 ratio shape not the 16:9 widescreen they should be) Dave had tea and the Digestives, which left me with the Malted Milk.
I tried a simple nibbled cowectomy on the first but lost patience and bit right through the thing. On the second I got my trusty Swiss army knife and made a more concerted attempt.
Unfortunately the cow lost a front leg and astute observers will notice that the structural integrity of the biscuit failed along a line through the D of MALTED round the cows “bum” and out through the ear of wheat at the bottom. By this time my tea was getting cold so I snaffled the remains and drank my tea.
However I still had one biscuit left so I tried again with the finest attachment on my swiss army knife I sloooooowly scratched round the cow.
This time the cow came away intact and although the front leg was still the hardest part it survived, although the crumbs that would have been its right front leg disintegrated, from the front it looks intact.
By the way is the shadowy line at the rear of the cow it’s tail or its other leg? I left the other cow (it's not a calf its just further away) as it was too indistinct a shape to bother with.
John E Noir
|Nicey replies: John,
I've always taken the pragmatic approach and consider the thing at the back of the cow to be its tail.
Once again your mail raises the interesting issue of exactly under what circumstances the Swiss Army would be mobilised. I've often thought that it would be some crisis that required the opening of thousands of economy tins of tomatoes and baked beans, with out those built in ring pull lids. Obviously conventional military hardware such tanks, attack helicopters or just straight forward guns, could get into the tins but they would probably spill most of the contents, requiring the Swiss to be called in. If the scenario was widened to include the sharpening of some small sticks, rewiring some 13 amp plugs and the removal of splinters then there really is only one choice.