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I was saddened to hear in another letter of your horrific experience with USA tea. Perhaps you can help explain a further US mystery - the complete absence of the electric kettle. The US is a nation that can put people on the moon, build aircraft carrriers, compress cows between a bun, but the whole "hey, let's put a heating element inside the kettle" aquathermal revolution has passed them by. But why? Were electric kettles denounced as dangerously communist? Did it become a symbol of vicious British oppression during the War of Independence? Was Abraham Lincoln bitten by an electric kettle when young? Please help.
Puzzled of Hampton
|Nicey replies: I'm sure its most of those reasons. Perhaps we should get the Royal Navy to sail round in giant electric kettles, that would be excellent. Brittania might once again rule the waves if it were in a 300m long stainless steel Russell Hobbs or Morphy Richards. Of course we would need very long kettle leads.|
||On reviewing the recent emails we came across Tim Porters one regarding our new game - biscuit persona. In Tims email he reviewed our colleagues persona and his own ambitions in this respect. We thought that Tim might truly benefit from our view (an independent one) of his persona. Much research and discussion has taken place amongst the office team to ensure a fair and truthful result and we feel this is as true a likeness as possible.|
THE PINK WAFER
An attractive and perfectly manicured biscuit on the outside admired by men and women alike. A tendency to be a bit flaky and lightweight and ever so slightly artificial with not really enough texture to satisfy a real appetite - in fact always guaranteed to leave you wanting more. The promise of a pink wafer is always more than you actually get although when you see one your always fancy it. Whilst once extremely fashionable and hip they are still an old favourite.
Whats your view on this Nicey?
Christine (Tim's Colleague)
|Nicey replies: Well not wanting to besmirch Tim's character, I have always though of the Pink Wafer as cheap, nasty and having a strange and unpleasant odor.|
there are those who have also speculated on the universal nature of cake, Star Trek has a lot to answer for:
Rokeg Blood Pie
errr! the word, SAD springs to mind, don't go down this route, it only leads to conventions and spandex!
Love to you and TW
|Nicey replies: Oh I quite agree, thats why a had a sly jibe at it in last weeks BOTW. I just wish for once they turned up on a planet where everybody spoke Welsh, and after 5 minutes they had to give up leave again cause the translator couldn't do Welsh, or they got tied of wiping off the little bits of spit off of their faces. Then they would have to spend the next 55 minutes just sitting around not doing anything. Maybe they could use the time constructively and do some tidying up, or put some nice net curtains up on all those windows they have.
Is there anybody left I haven't offended there?
Wagon Wheel Review
|Your correspondent Sergio Fernandes is quite right about the Wagon Wheels packaging, there have been many changes over the years. The original design, which stayed in place for several decades, featured a vaguely Western gingham pattern with a gun-toting cowboy. The biscuits inside weren't individually wrapped then, and were the larger crickled edge model previously referred to. In the early 80's the product was re-launched with individually wrapped biscuits, and the old gingham design with the cowboy was dropped for a more graphical pack with concentric red and white circles. At the same time a malted milk variant called "Big Country" was launched in blue livery. A few years later the circles were changed to gold rays, then as successive brand managers got their hands on it the pack featured trains, cars and even American Footballers! Then Garry Weston, proud inventor of the product, called Burton's to heel and instructed them to put the cowboys back on. A new pack was hastily conceived featuring a wagon train for the Original flavour and a map of the American west for the Big Country flavour. Big Country was eventually replaced by Toffee, which was eventually discontinued, but the cowboys have remained.|
Well... Those delightfully sickening Fig Rolls from Happy Shopper (a 200g packet is a barftastic amount during a one cuppa tea dunking session as I've discovered) are arranged in vertical 'soldier' formation, which impresses as the syrupy fig paste remains stolidly, nay stubbornly in the pastry parcel and not splurted or strewn across the enclosing cardboard package. The cardboard package also appears to be fat absorbant, thus filling the purchaser with a keen sense that these biks really are 'the healthy option'. The fig to other ingredients quotient is 26%, so not such a bad tally and, at merely 59p, they are a threat to the commercial supremacy of the all-conquering Jacobs Fig Roll. Incidentally, I ate a 300g packet of McVities Milk Choc Homewheat on saturday with a cuppa tea. Needless to say I remained seated on saturday night and most of sunday, but not necessarily on a chair...
Vive la bikkies!
p.s. Not-so-impressive graphic attached. I've spent all morning at work doing this- I hate work, it gets in the way of my tea imbibing...
|Nicey replies: Yep sounds like a Burtons's job, much like the Lyons, Sainsburys, Asda, Coop, Morrisons, Spar et al and a respectable 26% Fig content.
Nice diagram, Woo.