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Tim Tam vs Penguin Review
Having only discovered your wonderful website yesterday, I already find myself penning my second message to you (or strictly speaking I suppose I'm keying it rather than penning it, not that I'm actually speaking, oh shut up John and get on with it). Don't worry, the messages won't keep coming at this rate, I'm just unloading the biscuit-related detritus that has accumulated in my brain with no outlet until now.
I noticed that your feedback contained quite a few references to Arnotts Australian biscuits, which reminded me of a shocking incident that I witnessed a while back. Well, it was shocking to me, though others may just see this as evidence of a very sheltered life.
I was in the throes of a very stressful professional experience involving barristers and cross-examination and some generally pretty hostile characters, but gained considerable comfort from the support of a very helpful and sympathetic backroom team. Until, that is, one Friday afternoon when I returned to our workroom from the interrogation chamber seriously concerned that my professional reputation might not last the weekend and in desperate need of help from my comrades.
Instead of the alert and eager team that I had expected to find, I came upon a scene of utter debauchery, with my colleagues slouched around panting and groaning in a state of post-orgasmic exhaustion. When I finally managed to get some sense out of them, I discovered that one of the team, a feisty young Australian woman, had introduced to the workroom as an end-of-week treat a packet of Arnotts Tim-Tams. She had then instructed her team-mates in a disgusting Antipodean ritual which involved biting off both ends of a Tim-Tam (similar to a Penguin for those who haven't come across them) and using it as a straw through which to drink their c*ff*e (you'll be glad to hear that such depraved characters aren't tea-drinkers). I, of course, as one who steers well clear of unapproved substances and practices, cannot vouch personally for the effects of this behaviour, but I felt it was my duty to warn your readers of its apparently devastating impact on a group of people of previous good character, including one I had previously thought of as particularly strait-laced.
I don't know whether this appalling practice would work with other forms of biscuit or beverage, but I would urge vigilance by parents when they see their offspring sneaking off to their bedrooms surreptitiously clutching Penguins and Coke.
|Nicey replies: Morning John,
Yes we have many graphic accounts of the TimTam slam on NCOTAASD, but none the less it must have been alarming to stumble upon such a scene. The link at the bottom of the Tim Tam review will take you through accounts of people slamming Twix's and Cadburys Fingers in addition to the Ozzy treat. If you choose the little space rocket icon in our search then you'll encounter messages concerning other bizarre biscuit eating techniques, such as blowing through Tunnocks Tea cakes much in the manner of egg collectors emptying eggs of their contents.
|John E Noir
Malted Milk Review
I have to disagree with Mr Paul Daly. Malted Milk were never my favourite biscuit but have always done me well in a crisis. And this weekend they provided me with much amusement.
Some Friends and I were staying in Sedbergh in the Yorkshire Dales and were enjoying the excellent Howgill Fells, well maybe enjoying is too strong a word as it was mainly misty most of the time.
I have found that biscuits do not provide adequate sustenance on the hills and as Carl and Sue had provided a cake for their younger staff members, Adam and Julia. Me and 6 others managed to get a slice and as you can see I was lucky enough to get ¾’s of a cherry.
When we got back to the Hotel a nicecupofteaandasitdown was called for and I was elected to put the kettle on. The Hotel had thoughtfully provided some of those packets of three bickies. Mark elected to have coffee (the heathen) and chose to have the packet of bourbons. (he was welcome to them as they were the equally heathen 4:3 ratio shape not the 16:9 widescreen they should be) Dave had tea and the Digestives, which left me with the Malted Milk.
I tried a simple nibbled cowectomy on the first but lost patience and bit right through the thing. On the second I got my trusty Swiss army knife and made a more concerted attempt.
Unfortunately the cow lost a front leg and astute observers will notice that the structural integrity of the biscuit failed along a line through the D of MALTED round the cows “bum” and out through the ear of wheat at the bottom. By this time my tea was getting cold so I snaffled the remains and drank my tea.
However I still had one biscuit left so I tried again with the finest attachment on my swiss army knife I sloooooowly scratched round the cow.
This time the cow came away intact and although the front leg was still the hardest part it survived, although the crumbs that would have been its right front leg disintegrated, from the front it looks intact.
By the way is the shadowy line at the rear of the cow it’s tail or its other leg? I left the other cow (it's not a calf its just further away) as it was too indistinct a shape to bother with.
John E Noir
|Nicey replies: John,
I've always taken the pragmatic approach and consider the thing at the back of the cow to be its tail.
Once again your mail raises the interesting issue of exactly under what circumstances the Swiss Army would be mobilised. I've often thought that it would be some crisis that required the opening of thousands of economy tins of tomatoes and baked beans, with out those built in ring pull lids. Obviously conventional military hardware such tanks, attack helicopters or just straight forward guns, could get into the tins but they would probably spill most of the contents, requiring the Swiss to be called in. If the scenario was widened to include the sharpening of some small sticks, rewiring some 13 amp plugs and the removal of splinters then there really is only one choice.
Wagon Wheel Review
I actually do remember wagon wheels being alot bigger...! This is my absolute, most favourite chocolate by far since I've lived and wouldn't think to buy any other chocolate than the luscious wagon wheel! This may sound tacky but wagon wheel makes me feel so happy and keeps the one thing worth while looking forward to with that glass of milk..
Though to my dismay in the recent three months, the makers have concocted a 'new more chocolate ' idea and has stayed dissatisfactory to many original wagon wheel lovers. It does not taste to the usual delicious standard whatsoever. Infact the 'new more found chocolate' on the wheel makes it taste like a 5p chocolate you can only afford and the taste is appalling and this makes it highly inadequate. I can hardly taste the marshmallow in the ingredient. Please please alert me when the makers switch back to the original taste of the Wagon Wheel. I have been checking every supermarket and waiting for a little while for them to stop the new more chocolate idea so I can enjoy the original taste again.. Please please let me know when they switch back!
|Nicey replies: As we have said we are keen on the new ones although like you I do miss the old ones. Mind you can't really seriously compare the 'chocolate flavour coating' of the old with the Chocolate on the new and say that the new tastes cheaper, it's the other way round surely. Not that this is a concern, it's the effect of everything working in concert that defines the Wagon Wheel.|
|Lee Van Jackson
Wagon Wheel Review
I see many mentions of the great 'Wagon wheels have gotten smaller' debate, but no actual statistics of their size over time.
I am sitting here with a gentleman who remembers eating them back in the 1950's as an engineering student. He reckons they were about 90mm diameter and 20mm thick, with serated edges, jam and mallow.
Lee Van Jackson
|Nicey replies: I think you'll find if you look at our **Australian Westons Wagon Wheel** review that statistics abound. The Ozzy one is a living fossil, harking back to the 1950s, and we measured it at 88mm by 11mm. 20mm depth would frankly be gargantuan. Since our review the Wagon Wheel in Oz has been taken over by Arnotts, and we are yet to find out how its faired.
||Love your site. Do you have any suggestions where I can find tea bags or boxs with fun, whimsical messages on them. I have a massage studio and serve a variety of tea daily and thought this would be something fun to have for everyone. Thanks, Tammy|
|Nicey replies: Well I'm sure you're all having quite a lot of fun already. I think just having a decent selection of tea bags would bring a smile to most peoples faces, PG, Tetley, Typhoo, Yorkshire and some right on Fairtrade ones would keep most people happy. Then how about a well stocked biscuit tin. Finally a copy of our book to flick through. Failing that you could always just write fun whimsical messages using a black marker pen on the outside of of the boxes you have.|